Sins of my father

My father was a traditional filipino man. He took photographs and captured the world through a lens. He was passionate. He knew how to have a good time and was the life of any party he stepped foot in. He was the second to the oldest of four sons and he played that role exceptionally well. I remember once my uncle tony, his brother, told me that when they were kids my father ran after a boy who tried to steal my uncles bike and beat the piss out of him. No one gave my uncle any problems after that. 

My father had five sons, four with my mom and one with his second marriage. With my mom, my father named all of his boys Ramon just like the George Foreman family, and with his second marriage he named his son, my younger brother, Vincent. 

My father was a ladies man after my mom. From what I can tell my father was pretty lucky to have scored my mom. She told me a ton of guys from her college were interested in her but my mom, being that she loves the attention, kept her options open. To this day I still don’t really know how my father got together with my mom but I’m here and it was obviously a success! 

As a kid my father owned a photo studio in Los Angeles, in Little Tokyo. I remember spending the weekends with my older brother messing around the studio only to get yelled at because we were distracting his subjects from focusing on a pose. We didn’t give a shit, we kicked and screamed like two Dodger kids at the stadium. 

Now my father was gifted, he had a good eye for art. I think that’s were I get my creative niche from. My stubbornness I get from my mom. 

Now my dad had a ton of girlfriends. I swear every time we were leaving the studio and he was closing up he would tell me not to mention to the person we were going to have dinner with that we were with someone particular the weekend before. See I didn’t pay no mind to it because I was a child and I was just happy hanging out with my pops. But as I got older I realized that my father was playing the field. He knew how to be a man and he conveyed himself well. A part of me likes to think that he already met the girl of his dreams and had four kids with her so everyone after that was a cake-walk. But either way he was smooth. 

Now that brings me to my point. My father was good, possibly too good. He had the women he dated by me stuff like the Nike Penny Hardways, sweaters, gameboy games, food…all kinds of shit. I’m not sure if he was in love but he spent a lot of time with these women and invested half of his healthy life being a man to the women he dated after my mom. Now I wonder if he hurt any of them? I wonder if he broke their hearts and never called them back? I wonder if he got caught having dinner with different women every weekend? I never asked him when he was alive and I’m dying to know.

Sins of my father

My father was a traditional filipino man. He took photographs and captured the world through a lens. He was passionate. He knew how to have a good time and was the life of any party he stepped foot in. He was the second to the oldest of four sons and he played that role exceptionally well. I remember once my uncle tony, his brother, told me that when they were kids my father ran after a boy who tried to steal my uncles bike and beat the piss out of him. No one gave my uncle any problems after that.

My father had five sons, four with my mom and one with his second marriage. With my mom, my father named all of his boys Ramon just like the George Foreman family, and with his second marriage he named his son, my younger brother, Vincent.

My father was a ladies man after my mom. From what I can tell my father was pretty lucky to have scored my mom. She told me a ton of guys from her college were interested in her but my mom, being that she loves the attention, kept her options open. To this day I still don’t really know how my father got together with my mom but I’m here and it was obviously a success!

As a kid my father owned a photo studio in Los Angeles, in Little Tokyo. I remember spending the weekends with my older brother messing around the studio only to get yelled at because we were distracting his subjects from focusing on a pose. We didn’t give a shit, we kicked and screamed like two Dodger kids at the stadium.

Now my father was gifted, he had a good eye for art. I think that’s were I get my creative niche from. My stubbornness I get from my mom.

Now my dad had a ton of girlfriends. I swear every time we were leaving the studio and he was closing up he would tell me not to mention to the person we were going to have dinner with that we were with someone particular the weekend before. See I didn’t pay no mind to it because I was a child and I was just happy hanging out with my pops. But as I got older I realized that my father was playing the field. He knew how to be a man and he conveyed himself well. A part of me likes to think that he already met the girl of his dreams and had four kids with her so everyone after that was a cake-walk. But either way he was smooth.

Now that brings me to my point. My father was good, possibly too good. He had the women he dated by me stuff like the Nike Penny Hardways, sweaters, gameboy games, food…all kinds of shit. I’m not sure if he was in love but he spent a lot of time with these women and invested half of his healthy life being a man to the women he dated after my mom. Now I wonder if he hurt any of them? I wonder if he broke their hearts and never called them back? I wonder if he got caught having dinner with different women every weekend? I never asked him when he was alive and I’m dying to know.

Everyday I’m conflicted. Some days aren’t as difficult as others but it takes work to remain steady. It’s a daily activity to keep these two from destroying my behavior. To keep things on an even keel is something we weren’t taught as children, it’s something we just learn along the way and we do the best we can.

Everyday I’m conflicted. Some days aren’t as difficult as others but it takes work to remain steady. It’s a daily activity to keep these two from destroying my behavior. To keep things on an even keel is something we weren’t taught as children, it’s something we just learn along the way and we do the best we can.

back to the 101

If you play the music loud enough, the world will stand still. 

If you say the right words, people will finally understand you. 

Songs are the closest thing we have to time travel. The limits of your journey is decided from your imagination. 

Hold fast, remain steady and DANCE with no embarrassment.

back to the 101

If you play the music loud enough, the world will stand still. If you say the right words, people will finally understand you. Songs are the closest thing we have to time travel. The limits of your journey is decided from your imagination. Hold fast, remain steady and DANCE with no embarrassment.

With great taste in slowjamz comes great opportunities to grow. These 80’s babies were fortunate enough to know.

[The Door]

A moment in what some might say is hard to grasp but virtually possible. 

A young women moves to an unfamiliar town, unable to decide on which foot to step forward with she continues to dwell more in the past than the present. Awkwardly standing with her down-washed Levi’s and a spiffy shirt she purchased from the Nordstrom rack that went so well with her bug-eyed shades she thumb’s the crosswalk button only to realize that she’s being timed to make haste before an on-coming biker Armstrong’s her as if he’s in the tour de France. She crosses.

A coffee shop at the corner caught her attention as she stepped up to the west side of the main street. Normally, she doesn’t drink coffee but for some reason she had this duodenum feeling of curiosity that the coffee shop might be a good idea, granted, she was new in town. She enters the shop, amazed at the décor of the walls and the children’s play area, she orders a simple coffee. The cashier says, “ that’s $1.10”, she searches through her bag looking for her cash but she cant seem to find any, so she decides to pay with a credit card and the cashier asks if she had an ID? She shamefully hands it over only for the cashier to smile and make her feel like the pose was regrettably noted, he silently say’s “ Audrey Cortez”, he swipes the card and hands it over with the coffee and gestures to the customer behind her. 

As she walks toward the condiment section that was so creatively embellished with smooth shades of earthly pastels, she adds two sugars, a four second count of soy milk, and then she continued to blow into her coffee through the sip orifice as if it would turn into ice coffee as soon as she took the first taste. 

From what she caught earlier as she came in, she decided to have her coffee in the children’s play area. Of course, it was somewhat elementary having a twenty-some odd year old girl sitting in a hobbit like environment, but she didn’t care, she felt as if being surrounded by children’s toys, picture books, and soft pillows were as comforting to her as being back at home. Moreover, there weren’t any children around to invade the space, so she nestled in and found this particular picture book that she remembered as a little lady, “Where the Wild things are”. Slightly appealed, she sips her coffee and skims through each page as if she was getting reacquainted with an old friend. She smiles.

A moment into her coffee, she hears a bell ring that was attached to the entrance door. The door, which was a few steps away elicited a young man noticeably covered with a dark pea-coat with the collar folded up and a scarf that kept his carotid warm enough to escape a headache, he proceeds to the cashier and orders a green tea. Discretely, Audrey uses her blind-sided tactics to quench her curiosity and mindfully checks him out. Not a moment to soon, she goes back and returns to her old friend, still amazed by the artwork of the book, she remembered how it was to be a child again. 

As he sat down near a window, close to the condiment section, his phone rang. A loud Mick Jagger was screaming from his phone stating that he couldn’t get no satisfaction! He answers mid way through the song, “ this is Raymond”, “oh hey, how you been…oh well, I’ve been Ok, just keeping busy you know….but…can I call you back? I’m kind of in the middle of something….” Of course the common white lie that we all convey when we want to be left alone. “Ok great, I’ll talk you soon” he hangs up, tucks his phone back into his over size coat and continues to enjoy his tea while at the same time he notices a girl sitting in the children’s play area delightfully smiling while she’s reading what he thought was possibly a magazine of some sort, perhaps a NYLON issue of that month. 

As he got comfortable, he pulled out his laptop engaging into the cliché of every upcoming writer’s humble beginnings. Oh yes the first great novel in a coffee shop! You can’t get any cheesier than that. As he sits and waits for some type of free association to loosen his web-headed dictionary that he referred to as his creative bank, he can’t seem to budge, he finds himself swaying away and focusing his attention to that young lady in the Shire. 
So like any young man desperate to work, he walks towards her. Not knowing what her reaction might be he whispers as if he was in class, “ So is that your copy or is it the shops?” surprised by his discrete encounter she reply’s “ oh…it’s the shops” as he continues “man, I haven’t seen that book in a while, that must have been the greatest thing ever when you stumbled over it?” See now Audrey wasn’t uncomfortable with the idea of some random guy approaching her but she did feel a little nervous, as did Raymond. “ yeh it was, did you wanna borrow it?”, “no..no..I was just wondering, I’m sorry I don’t mean to be a pest and I just figured…” she interrupts “ of course not, you shouldn’t feel like that. Plus, you don’t seem dangerous”. While Raymond was mentioning how he thought that the book she had on her lap was so nostalgic, she couldn’t help it but become more interested. So they introduced themselves to each other and Raymond asked if he could join her, without hesitation she agreed. 

The two sat there like a drum note on tune. Completely into their conversations and forgetting why they brought an umbrella to a sunny day, they both obviously made sense. They talked about television shows from the past and there top 5 favorite movies that they both strongly believed in. 

As the lights were dimming down by the same cashier that carded Audrey earlier, the conversation was coming to an end and they both knew it. “ So, I guess this is me saying goodbye” Raymond notes, “ yeah I guess me too” Audrey says, then while Raymond was getting up he says “ well, its been real, and I hope I can run into you again, it was nice to meet you Audrey” he puts his hand out in hopes for some type of connection, without hesitation she gladly shakes his hand and says “ till next time…”

Raymond took off without even asking for her number which she thought was a little different. It made her think that he might have a girlfriend but by the way they conversed it was up to chance she assumed. She got up, returned the book into its proper place and stepped out from the same door she entered and thought to herself….”this may not be a bad idea”.

(I wrote this in an hour in 2005, it has a ton of grammatical errors but life is filled with imperfections that we can’t hide from)

[The Door]

A moment in what some might say is hard to grasp but virtually possible.

A young women moves to an unfamiliar town, unable to decide on which foot to step forward with she continues to dwell more in the past than the present. Awkwardly standing with her down-washed Levi’s and a spiffy shirt she purchased from the Nordstrom rack that went so well with her bug-eyed shades she thumb’s the crosswalk button only to realize that she’s being timed to make haste before an on-coming biker Armstrong’s her as if he’s in the tour de France. She crosses.

A coffee shop at the corner caught her attention as she stepped up to the west side of the main street. Normally, she doesn’t drink coffee but for some reason she had this duodenum feeling of curiosity that the coffee shop might be a good idea, granted, she was new in town. She enters the shop, amazed at the décor of the walls and the children’s play area, she orders a simple coffee. The cashier says, “ that’s $1.10”, she searches through her bag looking for her cash but she cant seem to find any, so she decides to pay with a credit card and the cashier asks if she had an ID? She shamefully hands it over only for the cashier to smile and make her feel like the pose was regrettably noted, he silently say’s “ Audrey Cortez”, he swipes the card and hands it over with the coffee and gestures to the customer behind her.

As she walks toward the condiment section that was so creatively embellished with smooth shades of earthly pastels, she adds two sugars, a four second count of soy milk, and then she continued to blow into her coffee through the sip orifice as if it would turn into ice coffee as soon as she took the first taste.

From what she caught earlier as she came in, she decided to have her coffee in the children’s play area. Of course, it was somewhat elementary having a twenty-some odd year old girl sitting in a hobbit like environment, but she didn’t care, she felt as if being surrounded by children’s toys, picture books, and soft pillows were as comforting to her as being back at home. Moreover, there weren’t any children around to invade the space, so she nestled in and found this particular picture book that she remembered as a little lady, “Where the Wild things are”. Slightly appealed, she sips her coffee and skims through each page as if she was getting reacquainted with an old friend. She smiles.

A moment into her coffee, she hears a bell ring that was attached to the entrance door. The door, which was a few steps away elicited a young man noticeably covered with a dark pea-coat with the collar folded up and a scarf that kept his carotid warm enough to escape a headache, he proceeds to the cashier and orders a green tea. Discretely, Audrey uses her blind-sided tactics to quench her curiosity and mindfully checks him out. Not a moment to soon, she goes back and returns to her old friend, still amazed by the artwork of the book, she remembered how it was to be a child again.

As he sat down near a window, close to the condiment section, his phone rang. A loud Mick Jagger was screaming from his phone stating that he couldn’t get no satisfaction! He answers mid way through the song, “ this is Raymond”, “oh hey, how you been…oh well, I’ve been Ok, just keeping busy you know….but…can I call you back? I’m kind of in the middle of something….” Of course the common white lie that we all convey when we want to be left alone. “Ok great, I’ll talk you soon” he hangs up, tucks his phone back into his over size coat and continues to enjoy his tea while at the same time he notices a girl sitting in the children’s play area delightfully smiling while she’s reading what he thought was possibly a magazine of some sort, perhaps a NYLON issue of that month.

As he got comfortable, he pulled out his laptop engaging into the cliché of every upcoming writer’s humble beginnings. Oh yes the first great novel in a coffee shop! You can’t get any cheesier than that. As he sits and waits for some type of free association to loosen his web-headed dictionary that he referred to as his creative bank, he can’t seem to budge, he finds himself swaying away and focusing his attention to that young lady in the Shire.
So like any young man desperate to work, he walks towards her. Not knowing what her reaction might be he whispers as if he was in class, “ So is that your copy or is it the shops?” surprised by his discrete encounter she reply’s “ oh…it’s the shops” as he continues “man, I haven’t seen that book in a while, that must have been the greatest thing ever when you stumbled over it?” See now Audrey wasn’t uncomfortable with the idea of some random guy approaching her but she did feel a little nervous, as did Raymond. “ yeh it was, did you wanna borrow it?”, “no..no..I was just wondering, I’m sorry I don’t mean to be a pest and I just figured…” she interrupts “ of course not, you shouldn’t feel like that. Plus, you don’t seem dangerous”. While Raymond was mentioning how he thought that the book she had on her lap was so nostalgic, she couldn’t help it but become more interested. So they introduced themselves to each other and Raymond asked if he could join her, without hesitation she agreed.

The two sat there like a drum note on tune. Completely into their conversations and forgetting why they brought an umbrella to a sunny day, they both obviously made sense. They talked about television shows from the past and there top 5 favorite movies that they both strongly believed in.

As the lights were dimming down by the same cashier that carded Audrey earlier, the conversation was coming to an end and they both knew it. “ So, I guess this is me saying goodbye” Raymond notes, “ yeah I guess me too” Audrey says, then while Raymond was getting up he says “ well, its been real, and I hope I can run into you again, it was nice to meet you Audrey” he puts his hand out in hopes for some type of connection, without hesitation she gladly shakes his hand and says “ till next time…”

Raymond took off without even asking for her number which she thought was a little different. It made her think that he might have a girlfriend but by the way they conversed it was up to chance she assumed. She got up, returned the book into its proper place and stepped out from the same door she entered and thought to herself….”this may not be a bad idea”.

(I wrote this in an hour in 2005, it has a ton of grammatical errors but life is filled with imperfections that we can’t hide from)
What if all I need is you? I worry that one day, like yesterday, we’ll say goodbye as if “bad timing” and “love” was in collusion to undermine us. We wouldn’t have a choice but to abide. 

You will always be what I need but I won’t worry. I won’t waste the energy to trouble myself with what I can’t control. But it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t miss to worry about you. 

I haven’t stopped. 

👊

What if all I need is you? I worry that one day, like yesterday, we’ll say goodbye as if “bad timing” and “love” was in collusion to undermine us. We wouldn’t have a choice but to abide.

You will always be what I need but I won’t worry. I won’t waste the energy to trouble myself with what I can’t control. But it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t miss to worry about you.

I haven’t stopped.

👊

All the time and because of you. 

I often try to keep my thoughts under control but the inappropriateness settles in like a sore knee. I wonder if you would agree. 

Forgiven actions and mistaken decisions loosens our ethical machinery like grease that tops off just above the gear. The window that I stole memories from is exactly what I imagined, big and beautiful as if the anatomy of what you captured me with was better in real life than in my dreams. You had me with your eyes.

Only in my world.

All the time and because of you.

I often try to keep my thoughts under control but the inappropriateness settles in like a sore knee. I wonder if you would agree.

Forgiven actions and mistaken decisions loosens our ethical machinery like grease that tops off just above the gear. The window that I stole memories from is exactly what I imagined, big and beautiful as if the anatomy of what you captured me with was better in real life than in my dreams. You had me with your eyes.

Only in my world.

I’m a disco spider homez